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Life and Beer On this page: Upbeat 'philosophical' message illustrated by rocks, sand, and beer, the Buffalo Theory of the effects of drinking beer, beer posters, a beer drinkers troubleshooting guide, and observations on beer by famous people. Great fun! Like the Life and Beer page? Click here to tell a friend about it! Right: "Man of the year." |
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You may have heard a version of this used as a spiritual illustration, but this may just possibly be closer to reality...
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. This time the students were sure and they responded with a unanimous "YES!"
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar -- effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children?things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
In an episode of Cheers, Cliff is seated at the bar explaining the Buffalo theory of drinking beer to his buddy Norm...
"Well, you see Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
"In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Jack Handy. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink beer, they may be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "Is it better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver?"
William Butler Yeats. The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
Henny Youngman, When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Stephen Wright. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Dave Barry. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dean Martin. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Anonymous. Beer: becasue one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
| SYMPTON | FAULT | ACTION |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points to ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog. Complain about house training. |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless. | Glass empty. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself lashed to the bar. |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See above. |
| Beer tasteless. Front of shirt is wet. | Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to restroom. Practice in front of mirror. |
| Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
| Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles. | You are dancing on the table. | Fall on someone cushy-looking. |
| Beer is crystal-clear. | It's water. Your friends are trying to sober you up. | Find a new set of friends. |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. | You have been in a fight. | Not knowing who you fought with, apologize to everyone. |
| Don't recognize anyone. Don't recognize the room. | You've wandered into the wrong party. | See if they have free beer. |
| Your singing sounds distorted. | The beer is too weak. | Drink more until your voice improves. |
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