A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
      The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
      The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
      Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.                   -- George Burns

      A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
      Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"

      At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
      Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
      Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

      It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
      "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.
      "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
      He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
      One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
      Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
      "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
      "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
      God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
      Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

      Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
      The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

      One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
      "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

      An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
      The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
      As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

Several children found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased. The minister's 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, "Glory be to the Father...and unto the Son...and into the hole he goes."

      Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," he called out.
      "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked."
      With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

      A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.
      The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the Apostle's Creed. "Jesus Christ," the congregation read from the program, "born of the Virgin Edna..."

Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.
God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

Another Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?" Tommy blurted out, "I know, Aces."

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.
      One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Lot again... A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
      His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

      A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."
      The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."
      "And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
      The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.
      The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
      "Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest.
      "Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."

      Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
      The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
      "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
      The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
      "No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
      "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
      "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
      A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
      "Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
      "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
      "Why?" asks the Lord.
      "Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.
• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."
• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

      A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
      After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
      "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
      Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
      The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
      "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

      Going over our church finances I found a receipt from a local paint store signed by someone named Christian. I wasn't aware of anyone buying paint, so I called the store to point out its mistake.
      "I'm sorry," I told the manager, "but there are no Christians here at First Baptist Church."

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
      "No, not at all!" the woman replied.
      They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
      "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

      An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
      "I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."
      "You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.
      "Where have you been?" the $20 asks.
      "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
      "Wait," the $20 interrupts. "What's a church?"

      A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
      Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
      The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
      "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
      "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
      "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
      "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
      "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
      "Yep," was the calm reply.
      "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
      "Nope."
      More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
      The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

Atheist: "Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?"
Preacher: "I don't know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."
Atheist: "But suppose he isn't in heaven?"
Preacher: "Then you ask him."

Several churches in the South decided to hold union services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.
      "How many Baptists are here?" he asked on the first night of the revival?
      All except one little old lady raised their hands.
      "Lady, what are you?" asked the leader.
      "I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.
      "Why are you a Methodist?" queried the leader?
      "Well," replied the little old lady, "my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist."
      "Well," retorted the leader, "just supposing all your relatives had been morons, what would that have made you?"
      "Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose," the lady replied meekly.

      A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
      She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
      "NO!" the children answered.
      "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
      Again, the answer was, "NO!"
      Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
      Again, they all answered, "NO!"
      She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
      A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

      Inspirational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer still remembers the card his kids gave him for his 64th birthday. The front said, "Inside is a message from God."
      Pleased they finally appreciated his work, he opened it to read, "See you soon!"

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
      Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
      When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
      Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday moring service. Most of the people were very generous telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, "The was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor."
      A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, "I don't think you did much preparation for your message."
      Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, "You really blew it. You didn't have a thing to say, pastor."
      Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.
      "Oh, don't let that guy bother you," said the deacon. "He's a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying."

At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and congressman and gave them their room assignments.
      "Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
      "This is unfair!" cried the minister.
      "Listen," St. Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first congressman we've ever seen."

At the pearly gates again, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
      St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
      "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
      "Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

      Big Ed seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.
      The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Limburger cheese from a ziplock bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.
      Groggily startled, Big Ed blurted out, "No, Helen, no—don't kiss me now."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. A nun lettered a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
      Moving along the lunch line, at the other end was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. A girl wrote a note, which she put next to the tray of cookies, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Why Sex Education needs to be taught in Catholic schools:

Mother Superior calls all the Nuns together and says, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonay!

For our pastor's 50th birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit.
      He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, "Today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
      As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

      The church was badly in need of a coat of paint. So the pastor decided he'd do the job himself. But all he had was one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned the paint enough to cover the entire church. Then he spent all day painting. That night it rained—very hard—and washed all the paint off. The pastor was quite discouraged and asked God, 'Why...why God, did you let it rain and wash off all my hard work?'
      To which God thundered his reply, 'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'

A pastor’s wife was preparing pancakes for her young sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their Mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." The oldest boy turned to his younger brother and said, "You be Jesus."

The Pope and the Rabbi
      Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
      The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
      On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
      Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
      Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.
      'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'